We Are Not Amused
by Heartwing
Summary: Things you may not do at Hogwarts prompts, featuring random students and annoyed professors! Meant to be random and funny!  Please read and review, I would love some feedback!
1. You are not Australian

**So, I was reading some of those "Things Not to do at Hogwarts" list, and I was suddenly struck with inspriation. And then distracted. And then inspired again.  
>This is my first Harry Potter fic (and my first fic in a while :), so please forgive any OOCness. Especially with Hagrid.  
>Please note that this was un-betaed and was not Brit-Checked, so any mistakes are my own fault.<br>People waiting for me to update Red Rover, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!**

**I will not Imitate Steve Irwin in my Care of Magical Creatures Class, even if I do have a good Australian accent.**

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><p>The Gryffindors and Slytherins watched as Hagrid lead the hippogriff over to their side of the paddock. Malfoy and his gang were standing rather near Harry and his gang, although nobody was really sure why. They were in Care of Magical Creatures class. Malfoy's favorite class with his favorite teacher.<p>

"Jus' look at these beautiful creatures," Hagrid began.

"Crikey!" Malfoy's face went from bored to annoyed at the sound of that obnoxious Australian accent. "Absolutely gorgeous!"

Hagrid beamed. "Isn't he? His name is Buckbeak. Now, Hippogriffs can be rather dangerous-"

"My, he's a large one!"

"Aye that he is," Hagrid attempted to get back on topic. "If not approached properly, hippogriffs can be dangerous- Oi, young man, step back from 'im! You don' know what you're doin'! It isn't safe!"

The kid stood eye to eye with the Hippogriff before listening to Hagrid and stepping away from the fence. Luckly for him, he didn't turn his back completely on the creature. "It is all about the perceived danger," he said, "In front of that hippogriff I was in complete control. Absolute and complete control. That is my profession."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Malfoy said loudly. "You're a bloody student. You don't have a brain, let alone a job. And stop talking in that ridiculous accent. You're English, not Australian!"

"Really," agreed Hermione, "It is rather annoying. Could you please just let Hagrid teach and stop doing dangerous things? You could get hurt."

"Yea, I'm a thrill seeker, but crikey, education's the most important thing."

"Alright, he's a nutter," Ron whispered to Harry, right before Hermione elbowed him for it.

"YOU'RE NOT AUSTRALIAN, YOU ARSEHOLE!"

"Oi! Watch yer language!"

"No, it's alright, Hagrid. You know, I'm Australian, and we have got the worst sense of humour. We are cruel to each other. But calm down people. There's no need to start a fight!"

"Right!" Hagrid said very loudly. "Can we please get back on topic? Thank you."

"Right-o! Sorry about that Hagrid. Can I go up first though? He really is a beauty. And I do have lots of experience with dangerous animals. I wrestle with crocs."

"Bloody idiot." Harry never thought he'd agree with Malfoy.

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><p><strong>Disclaimer:<br>*No offense to any Australians intended. Most of what the random kid says are quotes from Steve Irwin, including the statement about Australians being cruel. I'm sure they're actually very kind people.  
>*Wrestling crocodiles is not advised.<br>*If I owned Harry Potter I wouldn't have student loans. Hell, I wouldn't be a student. I'd be traveling and being awesome  
>*I am American. The conventional American spelling is lame but it's all I know. Sorry for any stupid wordings.<strong>

**If anyone has any prompts they want me to do, let me know in a review!**

**The next chapter is a lot better! Promise! **

**Sorry if there's any mistakes. It's late and I ought to go to bed. But I won't.**


	2. The Great Hall is not a stage

**I will not perform the Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.**

**Disclaimers:  
>*I am American. American spelling and wording is lame. Sorry. I tried.<br>*If I owned Harry Potter I'd actually have a car and wouldn't have to walk to apply for a job to ring bells for the Salvation Army Collection during the Holidays. Nor would I be applying for a job that requiers me to stand outside in the Wisconsin winter ringing a bell for donations and being ignored by people.  
>*I am not creative or smart enough to come up with the Potter Puppet Pals. I don't even have a videocamera.<strong>

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><p>The Sorting Hat had just finished sorting the new students. It was a new year, a (mostly, but not really) fresh start. (Not really at all.) Professor Dumbledore stood up give his yearly speech. He raised his arms and the hall quieted.<p>

"Welcome students, new and old," He paused for a breath (Or dramatics. One can never really be sure with Dumbledore.), when a strange, unusual, unexpected thing happened. A rather large puppet suddenly was brought into existence behind the esteemed Potions Master. A puppet, which curiously enough, resembled Professor Snape. At the same time, a strange ticking noise filled the silent hall. By this point, the students, the staff, and even the mighty Headmaster were temporally rendered speechless.

The puppet of Professor Snape started looking around. "Hmm…" It said in a poor imitation of the real Snape's voice. "What is that mysterious ticking noise?" It began to move from side to side, looking for the source of that mysterious ticking noise. "Not over here… not over there… Hmmm… It's kinda… catchy." It then proceeded to do something so…wrong. It began to sing. "Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape."

The real Severus Snape raised his very real wand, presumably to make it shut it, but before he could, the Hall was presented with something else that was so very wrong. This was no funnier, although some of the older, more knowledgeable students instantly recognized this was much safer to laugh at.

"Dumbledore!" The new puppet jumped into existence, said its piece, then promptly disappeared again.

"Snape, Snape, Severus Snape."

"Dumbledore!"

"Snape, Snape, Severus Snape."

Many of the Slytherins were annoyed on behalf of their Head-Of-House. Many of the older and braver students began to laugh a little. Dumbledore sat back down and decided to watch the show. He was old and probably senile, and thus is forgiven for his lack of foresight. Then a new puppet popped up.

"Snape."

"Ron"

"Snape"

"Ron"

"Severus Snape"

"Ron Weasley" The real Ron Weasley turned an interesting shade of red that clashed badly with his hair as the whole hall looked at him. By this point, his brothers were madly wishing with everything muggles wish on that they could meet the mastermind behind this utterly mad brilliance.

"Dumbledore!"

"Snape" "Ron" "Snape" "Ron" "Severus Snape" "Ron Weasley!"

"Dumbledore!"

"Snape" "Ron" "Hermione" "Snape" "Ron" "Hermione" "Severus Snape" "Ron Weasley!"

Hermione, who was enjoying the show up to this point (although if asked, would have vehemently denied it), was not pleased by this new turn of events. The twins (and Slytherin) were much happier. Nearly all of the students were at least chuckling, except for the ones with wands up their butts (Percy), Ron and Hermione, and the First Years, who had No Idea What The Hell Was Going On and wouldn't be very surprised to hear that the sky was falling, although they would be very much afraid.

"Dumbledore!"

"Snape" "Ron" "Hermione" "Snape" "Ron" "Hermione" "Severus Snape" "Ron Weasley!" Naturally, the names weren't sung in a neat orderly fashion, but overlapped some, as music is oft to go. It was noted, with much amusement, mainly by the twins and Malfoy, that Puppet Ron's voice was quite obviously higher that Puppet Hermione's. It was idly wondered if the puppet had reached puberty yet, then it was quickly realized that it didn't actually matter, and they ought to be enjoying the show instead, as yet another new puppet was about to appear. Malfoy quite enjoyed the next bit.

"Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Ooh! Harry Potter Harry Potter! Yeah! Harry Potter Harry Potter! That's me!" That was enough to (barely) make the real Potions Master stop trying to curse all the puppets to hell. Although he did continue with his attempts to silence his puppet.

The whole Slytherin table burst out laughing at the Harry Puppet, except for the First Years, who, despite being full-blooded witches and wizards and certainly knew who Harry Potter was, still had No Idea What The Hell Was Going On.

"Dumbledore!"

Two puppets then decided to argue.

"Snape" "Harry" "Snape" "Harry" "Snape" "Harry" "Snape" "Harry" "Snape" "Harry" "Snape" "Harry" "Snape" "Harry"

"DUMBLEDORE!" This time the puppet was naked. The real Dumbledore hid his smile in his beard. After all, he was senile and could do whatever he felt like. And he felt like smiling.

"Heeeeeermione" It flew behind the naked puppet. Real Hermione blushed even harder. The twins laughed even harder. It was getting hard for them to see through their tears of joy.

"Dumbledore!"

"Snape" "Ron" "Hermione" "Snape" "Ron" "Severus Snape" "Ron Weasley" "Hermione"

"Harry Potter! I'm Harry Potter, I'm Harry Potter, I'm Harry Potter, Harry Harry Potter!" Real Harry wondered why the world hated him. Puppet Harry wondered why he was doing this, decided to get a career change, remembered he was an animated uneducated puppet and, decided that at the next available opportunity, that he would drown himself in the nearest bottle of firewhisky until he couldn't feel his stitches and needed rehab.

Then, by either some odd twist of fate or by the hands of the anonymous puppeteer, each puppet sang in unison with the others. Even Harry and Snape, though none as loud or as flamboyantly as the naked Dumbledore.

"Singing our song, all day long at Hoooooooooogwaaaaaaaaaarts!"

Then Puppet Ron, in true Ron fashion, did something so Ron Weasley-like, the Real Ron would, in many, many years, have a sudden flash of déjà vu doing nearly the exact same thing.

"I found the source of the ticking!" The puppet waved his discovery in the air. "It's a pipe bomb!" The pure-bloods wondered what the hell a pipe bomb was, and wondered why the muggle borns ducked. Even the First Years, who still had No Idea What The Hell Was Going On.

Depressed Harry Puppet wondered if it would kill him, hoped it would, and cheered with the rest. "Yay!"

The pure-bloods learned what a pipe bomb was. Luckily, it injured only the puppets. That is, if you don't count hearing loss as an injury. Either way, the puppets were blown up. Silence reigned for 1.4265 seconds before yet another puppet appeared.

This new puppet was rather pale and had red, slanted velvet eyes one could see the evil in. It announced itself with a slightly sinister laugh and tapped a beat.

"Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh, Voldy Voldy Voldemort!"

And then it was gone.

Silence filled the hall for 4.34665 seconds while everyone waited to see if it was over. Professor Snape (the Real One, not the blown up fabric one) slowly stood and said very very quietly,

"That. Was. Not. Funny. We are not amused. I would suggest that whoever perpetrated this little prank would kindly turn him or her over immediately, or will suffer even more lately. Make no mistake. We will catch you." Then he sat back down and glowered at the world. He also decided he was going to get so drunk he would pass out on the floor of his office, wake up with a raging hangover, not make a hangover cure, and be a miserable git for the next week or so.

Dumbledore stood up next. "Welcome to Hogwarts."

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><p><strong>Anyone know who's style I was trying to imitate? Anyone? A prize for the first person to guess correctly!<strong>

**First person to review can suggest a promt for next chapter!  
>Well, anyone can suggest a prompt...?<strong>

**Please Review!**


	3. Felines are not naturally hairless

**I will almost certainly never update this fast ever ever again. This chapter is dedicated to ViBookWorm, who reviewed the last two chapters and threatened to injure me if I took too long to update. It is almost 4:00 in the morning, which pretty much excuses me for any mistakes.**

**I will not shave Mrs. Norris.**

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><p>It was that time. That in between the classes time. That time when the hallways are crowed so bad that the ghosts have hard time getting through. The polite ones- Peeves just plows through students and scares them.<p>

Nobody hated that time nearly as much as poor Argus Filtch. All those stupid ungrateful students roaming the hallways that HE just cleaned by HAND. Stupid immature Hogwarts students don't appreciate hard work anymore. If the Headmonster- sorry Headmaster- wasn't so "modern" then the problem wouldn't be as bad. Back in the good old days, if students misbehaved even just the slightest, they were chained in the dungeon and put to manual labour. Wandless. But nooooo. Now they just get detention. Stupid ungrateful dirty little bastards. Don't even deserve the clothes on their back. Those stupid, one hundred percent silk robes spun by the finest magical silkworms. Humph.

This day was like any other boring monotonous day. The sounds of the children's joy and laughter filled Argus Filtch with loathing (He spends holidays relaxing in the Sahara away from all that is joyous). It was a normal depressing day until it approached lunchtime. As noon got closer and closer, Argus was filled with more than the usual apprehension. Contrary to popular belief (coughweasleyscough), Argus did have some magic in him. Just enough to know that today was going to be terrible. Worse than his worst nightmare (Working in a mansion full of young children at Christmastime).

As class was let out for lunch, he unhappy so much more than usual, he made no less than six first years, three second years, a third year, and a sixth year cry since breakfast. He didn't even talk to the sixth year boy. But despite that record- setting success (only in a morning, too!), he still wasn't happy.

Then terror hit him. He knew something was wrong. It could only have been his beloved Mrs. Norris. It didn't feel as bad as the time she was petrified (Potter! Weasley!), but it was still horrible. He raced towards her (he just knows. Don't ask). She was hiding in his office. When he got there he saw a terrible, terrible, sight.

She. Had. Been. Shaved.

Not even shaved evenly, no. But shaved like a stupid French poodle. How he hated French poodles- almost as much as that half-breed giant's slobbering mutt!

Oh the horror.

Filtch didn't know what to do. He was in shock. His body had to decide between screaming and fainting. Luckily self-preservation took over and he didn't faint. He'd shudder to think what those Weasley twin scum would do if they found his defenseless unconscious body.

So he screamed.

The scream must have been magically amplified by his own terror, because the giant squid could hear it. It was so awful it tried to commit suicide by hugging the Whomping Willow. The Whomping Willow tried to commit suicide by drowning. They ended up floating in the lake hugging each other for comfort. (That's when their secret romantic relationship really took off.)

Dumbledore and the staff heard the scream, and thinking it was a young female being murdered, took off towards the source. Peeves beat them to it, and was never more pleased to act as a messenger. To the whole school.

If Dumbledore was being honest (which he almost never was), he wasn't surprised by Mrs. Norris's state. Actually, he was surprised it hadn't happened earlier.

McGonagall tried to fix her by magic, but couldn't. Mrs. Norris, She patiently explained to a very irate Filtch, was not shaved by magical means, but actually by muggle means, so she couldn't just "poof the fur back".

Lockhart proclaimed that he could do it. In fact, he had once charmed hair back on a hag so she would stop hunting small children for their hair. It was a simple spell, and he was surprised that McGonagall didn't know about it. She just rolled her eyes and let him do it. Filtch, who dispite popular belief (coughweasleyscough) was not terribly stupid, and tried to protest. However, he was desperate and did not argue enough. Lockhart performed his "simple little charm".

Mrs. Norris became completely bald.

Poor Argus Filtch had to be physically restrained.

Peeves shed tears of joy.

Professor Snape, tired of the pathetic squib's sniveling, offered to make a potion that would grow Mrs. Norris's hair back overnight. As he said that, he wondered what Mrs. Norris's first name was. Then he wondered why that nonsense even crossed his mind. Stupid bloody cat.

A few days later, Argus Filtch would come across a strange metal device in the astronomy towers. It had a handle and the head was spiky. He would turn it over in his hands and inadvertently push a button. It would make this strange whirring noise and the blades would move. He would yelp in shock, cut his hand on the moving blades, and quickly decide to throw it out the nearby window. An hour later, Seamus Finnegan would step on the now quiet device, and ask the air around him what a razor was doing there. Not long after that, Dobby would find it and would try to get the other house elves to play with him and his new toy. They would refuse, so he would then give it to Master Harry Potter, who wondered where on earth Dobby, of all life forms, could possibly get a razor. He gave it to Dudley for Christmas.

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><p><strong>Disclaimers:<br>*I do not have anything against french poodles. I just don't find how they are often shaved very astetically pleaseing.  
>*It is 10 to 4 in the morning. I can not spell. I must sleep.<br>*I do not endorse the pointless shaving of felines  
>*After the last movie, when Filtch started cleaning up, I've had a soft spot for him. I do not advise the annoying of Filtch<br>*I do not support hanging kids in chains in the dungeon...usually  
>*If I owned Harry Potter I would not be living in a tiny dorm room and would be asleep right now.<strong>


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